Broken Social Scene- Anthem for a 17 Year Old Girl

Thanks to my new/old friend K for bringing this to my attention. Rotten girls 4-eva!!!

Movin On

I have a feeling that even though I feel like this whole situation has been going on seemingly forever, or at least a month now, that we are just at the beginning. I've just shed my first tear over this situation. I'm actually happy that the denial won't allow itself to last. I can't imagine losing you. I'm glad the universe decided it was not yet your time. You have too much left to do in your life. Hopefully you will take the steps needed to realize that and start over. I'll be right by your side every step of this journey. I will not give up on you, ever. I hope you don't either. I think this may be what they call the beginning of a healing process. Man, this is going to be harder than I imagined but worth every moment I have to believe.

Am I right, ladies?

Okay. So, here’s the deal. I work in a place with lots of buzzing and busyness all around me. People coming and going from my desk all day. I like people. I like my job kinda sorta. I talk to people. I’m friendly. I make conversation while still moving along with my work and it’s all fine and dandy. That is, most days. See, here’s the deal. There is this guy who I work with every few weeks who has singled me out as the “lucky girl” apparently that he feels the need to feed his already obviously large ego with by shameless flirtation. And chitchattyness. And seriously not funny work jokes. And more chitchattyness. And back-grazing with his hands. And more work jokes. And more shameless back patting/rubbing….jokes….chit….

I am single. I am totally fine with that right now. I accept my life and know that I am incredibly blessed. I love myself. I have self-esteem. I want to meet a guy, fall in love and live happily ever after. What girl doesn’t want all that? However, this whole situation is not even showing any potential for turning into my happily ever after. I don’t need mr. “oh, becky can you help me with something?” to be all up in my space buggin me. He’s physically attractive. As far as I know he is single and straight. He’s got a good job and I am sure we may even have a lot in common to talk about…if we knew each other. If we were friends. But we don’t and we aren’t. we work together. Work being the operative word. I’m busy trying to keep my mind together so I can do my job well, and I just am at my wit’s end with this whole thing. I mean, I cannot really be rude and ignore him because even though I do try to do this, he talks to me and uses “work” things to rope me into a conversation. And i do need to back track a bit and say that for the first few months that this went on it was all fine and good. A little spark in my day. Something to kinda amuse me. Sometimes we talked. Sometimes we didn’t talk. Then, progressively as the time has gone on, it’s like I am this target for him. I’m not a real person with any self esteem and he makes it his mission to make me feel flattered by his presence. It is seriously like he is thinking he makes my day. Why, why why talk to me and carry on and on as if this could possibly make my day? I just want to ask him, “Seriously? Are you really doing this to me again today? Because I am not the one. I am trying to be nice and friendly and not draw attention to this whole little thing you do to me. While I am sure you are an amazing person and you aren’t trying to arouse my anger, you do. You make me uncomfortable because I cannot hide from you. Either ask me out or leave me alone.”

I have always had things like this happen to me and I think I have reached my breaking point. It has nothing to do with me thinking that I am “all that”. If anything it is the opposite. I am uncomfortable with his approach being all right there for everyone I work with to see. I just want to blend in and do my thing. Please. Please. Please. He has my permission to completely ignore me because he is never gonna have the balls to really ask me out, you know? i mean, am i right ladies? it is attractive to us (and guys win points with us) when they show enough confidence to tell us they like us and want to get to know us by asking us out. otherwise their good looks and brilliant charm are basically wasted on us. It is time for him to make a move or move on. On to some other girl there who I am sure would love to be interrupted and asked pointless questions….”what does this say?” “can you call so-and-so for me?” “so when do you work?” “what perfume are you wearing?” "can you watch my charts for me?" “so when do you work?” again, yes. This question has been asked in various forms….grrrr.

So, maybe you think I am sounding like a whiney, broken record about now. And I agree with you. That is my point exactly. It is all too much for me. The fact that I am annoying myself is the whole reason why this blog has needed to exist for months. J Now my frustrations are out and I feel better. I really do. Here’s to hoping that I can get some freaking peace of mind now that I have been able to share this with the great big cosmic cyberspace blog world….